You’ll Figure It Out

I was lying in my hotel bed talking to my mother before dozing off the evening the doctors told me they believed my son was brain dead. I don’t remember everything we talked about, I only remember the overwhelming feeling of sadness in wondering what my life would become without Ben in it. I thought of how I raised him as a single mother and how my life was completely focused on him for eighteen years. Then I thought about how much I loved him every minute of his now twenty one years. And then I gasped! What happens to all that love? What happens to the ocean of love that had been reserved for Ben until the day I died - because he wasn’t supposed to die before me?

My mother was the epitome of survival. My eleven -year- old brother had died twenty-seven years earlier when he was struck by a car and later declared brain dead. This was more than a deja vu, it was God using my mother’s wisdom to comfort and help me. I had to ask her. She would know.
Through my tears I asked, “Mom, what am I going to do with all the love?”
“What love, Jill?”
“The love I have for Ben, what do I do with it?”

For what seemed like five minutes, I waited for her to share a long, meaningful answer. She finally let out a deep sigh and said, “You’ll figure it out.” Four simple, yet profound words, You’ll figure it out.

I didn’t have anything else to go on. My mother faced the same circumstance as me a long time ago and had to figure it out. I don’t know exactly what she did, but I’m pretty sure she figured it out because she was still here and never stopped loving me or my two sisters after my brother died.

As time passed, I began to get involved with events/groups related to our military and veterans. I was invited to special events and eventually asked to help facilitate some of them. I was also asked to share mine and Ben’s story on a national level. I traveled around the country speaking to the medical staff in hospitals and clinics that dealt with organ transplantation. Just two months after Ben died, I was asked to speak to a national conference of “Organ Procurement Organizations”  from around the country. There was 1100 people in the audience. My donor family advocate told me she wouldn’t normally ask someone so soon to do such a thing, but she had a feeling I would be willing. This set the tone for other national conferences over the next two years. At one of them I was given the “Crystal Heart Award” for my willingness to tell Ben’s story to the public, which portrayed organ donation in a positive light. The Crystal Heart is generally given to news organizations that have helped bring positive awareness and education to the public. The other recipient that year was Telemundo, the Spanish television network. So, it was me and a television network. Needless to say I was very honored and humbled.

One year after Ben died I was asked if I would support a Ben Kopp Memorial Ride. It would be a motorcycle ride that would raise funds for local veterans in need. I agreed without hesitation and am happy to share that this summer will be the ninth year. The amount of money the BKMR has raised is in the six figure range. Several years ago, a local high school teacher witnessed the 100+motorcycles in the BKMR making their way up a busy road while he was pumping gas. He immediately got an idea and reached out to me. He asked if I would support and help him facilitate a 5k run to honor Ben and the other four men from the same school district who had been killed in action. Once again, I agreed without hesitation. The Warrior 196 5k awards college scholarships to high school seniors who have shown unyielding leaderships skills. 2018 will mark its’ sixth year.

In the years since Ben’s death I have stayed in contact with many of the men that served with him as US Army Rangers. They served in the same regiment or battalion either at the same time or dating as far back as the Korean conflict. I have also stayed connected to some of Ben’s friends from middle school. Many of these people refer to me as their pseudo or adoptive mother, proclaiming they have a better relationship with me than their own mothers. Some have mothers in Heaven with Ben, so we have adopted each other. I am often the first to know about marriage proposals, wedding dates, babies on the way or any other life event that you would share with those you are closest to. I don’t hesitate to share advice when they ask for it or to simply lend a listening ear.

This past summer, a bridge in the community Ben grew up in was memorialized in his name to honor his service and sacrifice for our great country. I worked with a national nonprofit to bring recognition to our fallen in Minnesota. Despite this type of dedication being the first in the state of Minnesota, the event received zero media attention. It did however make its way through social media and there are now several others in the works, including two to honor a 19-year-old Marine killed at Iwo Jima in 1945 and a 21-year-old Army Warrant Officer killed in Vietnam in 1968. Recognition for their sacrifice is long overdue. Ben’s bridge lead the way.

The Ben Kopp Memorial Ride has become a signature annual event for Rangers to gather.

Several men who were suffering the effects of Post Traumatic Stress have come to the BKMR and re-connected to their brothers in arms. These reconnections have helped to heal old wounds and create new friendships. Three gentlemen who had not seen in each other in more than thirty years (since the last time they were on a drop zone together), were reunited several years ago. These men came to honor Ben and reminisce about old times. They told me separately how much it meant to them and thanked me for my role in keeping the BKMR going year after year.

Whether raising awareness about organ donation, crying tears of joy for an upcoming wedding or new baby, laughing with one of Ben’s brothers in arms, or raising funds for our veterans or future leaders, I believe I have figured it out. Ben’s life (not his death) has gifted me the opportunity to lead the way in multiple ways by using his legacy to love and honor those who are still here. My love for Ben did not stop flowing for one second, as I foolishly thought it might. In fact, it has increased and flows freely from my heart out into the world. Thank you mom for those four simple, yet profound words; I figured it out.