You Give Power To What You Give Attention To

Have you ever encountered a crabby checkout person? Most of us have at some point. Or someone standing behind you in line that wants to engage you in their conversation about whatever has gone wrong in their hour, day or life? Me too. Did you respond? You want to know what I say to them? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I smile and turn around. A grumbling check out person immediately draws a friendly demeanor from me. I say hello and ask them how they’re doing. Why? Because moods can be contagious - if we allow them to be. All of them. Good ones and bad ones.

Road rage is two people feeding off of each other’s anger. I doubt their anger and frustration is ever personal. It’s likely fueled by something else going on in their life. Have you ever had a negative thought about the person who is making the highway their own game of pole position? Me too. If someone rides my rear, I just get out of their way and watch as they do it to the next car, and the next and the next. As they whiz past me, I don’t look at them, even if they give me the one finger salute. Many years ago, I was driving on the interstate in a rural area. There were no other cars around me, but suddenly a pickup truck with three young men sitting in the front cab came out of nowhere and was right on my tail. Before I could move over, they were pretending to shoot me as if they had revolvers in their hands. They could have easily gone around me, but the driver chose to do otherwise. I got a horn and that one finger salute as they passed me. Honestly, it scared me a little bit. I was completely innocent (and I know I was driving over the speed limit), yet know it wasn’t personal. It was the personality of the driver and I wasn’t about to join him in not being nice.

“You give power to what you give attention to”. This is one of many quotes I count as words to live by. “When you argue with a fool, then there are two”! Another one of my favorites. People often ask me where my wisdom comes from. I’m pretty sure they expect me to rattle off the names of sages, gurus or scholars. Nope. I tell them I learn from the people I don’t want to be like. I have learned everything I need to know from the crabby check out person, the crazed driver, the person who seems energized by arguments, and so on.

There was a time in my life (more than twenty years ago) when I was more adept at arguing and lived with a sense of angst about everything. I didn’t like it. It didn’t feel good. Giving in to my own negativity only produced more negativity. I gave it power. I got fed up and was inspired by a simple quote, “Does it feel good to not feel good?” I realized it was not anyone else’s fault that I felt the way I did. I consciously chose to give power to the positive and stopped seeking discord. I thought it was following me, but in truth, I was allowing it to lead me. My life forever changed.

If someone is argumentative or accentuates negativity, I don’t engage. In fact, for the most part, these kinds of people are not a part of my life. I keep them at arm’s length or don’t let them in at all. Like attracts like. If I encounter a situation with someone that is negative, I let it be a reminder of how and who not to be. I don’t get upset, I offer sympathy for them in my head and gratitude that I am not like that.

I have certainly faced challenges with people over the years; bosses, significant others, family, friends and even strangers at times. All situations were learning opportunities or teachable moments as I like to call them now. Hindsight is 20/20. I can see where my own “stuff” fueled some of the fires. I have been hurt and probably hurt others in ways no one deserves or in ways we shouldn’t treat each other, period. I’ve taken these hurts and turned them into a mental list of do’s and don'ts in my relationships with all people. When my thoughts are convoluted with what if’s or stuck on things that are none of my business, I realize that I am providing free rent in my head space for things that do not serve me.

I attended a seminar a few years ago for grieving families. In one of the breakout sessions, the facilitator brought up two thought provoking questions. He asked, “What are you doing with your pain and what are you doing with your power? Good questions. He went on to explain that what we do with these two things is a choice. Even things/people that have caused us pain can be used to serve our relationships - current or future. We know what hurts us, we know what causes us to be uncomfortable or provoking, so, don’t treat others that way. It’s the Golden Rule really: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. We have the power to choose how.

Richard Rohr, a Franciscan friar and one of my favorite authors said, “Transformed people, transform people.” He goes on, “When happiness eludes us - as eventually, it always will, we have the invitation to examine our programmed responses and to exercise our power to choose again.” These words, for me, fall again into those that I live by. This is where I place my power. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. I heard that one many times as a child. It’s true that words don’t hurt people - people hurt people. This happens in many ways, but most often it stems from what’s getting their attention and what they’re giving power to.

I count my blessings daily. I have much to be grateful for and want the world to see that in me. I don’t let someone else’s bad mood rub off on me. I try to rub my good mood off on them instead. I find it easy to not engage with negativity and can have conversations with people whom I may have a differing opinion about and not get upset. My years of self-training have paid off. I am the only one with the power to choose who/what gets my attention. I choose to be happy.