Who Do You Love?

"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways." -Stephen Vincent Benet

This was one of my son Ben’s favorite quotes. He liked it so much he wrote it down in his journal. Yes, I read his journal. I received it with his personal effects. Three of his brothers in arms brought it back to me from Afghanistan. They confiscated it from his belongings so it didn’t get lost as a piece of inventory or get read by people who didn’t need to read it. They weren’t so sure I should read it either, but believed it belonged to me first.

Ben’s journal was a small stenographer size notebook. I was afraid to open it and sat with it for a few days before I did. Use your own imagination to fill in the pages of what a 21-year old Army Ranger on his third deployment and third year away from home would write in a journal. I won’t even share what I thought I would find. I was completely surprised when I mustered up the courage to open it. What I had imagined and what I read were miles apart.I was embarrassed by what I thought.

The few pages he had written on were quotes from a book he read by an Army Ranger close to my age. He had told me about A More Elite Soldier by Chuck Holton. Ben was so impressed by what he read, he found a notebook to write down the quotes and prose that struck him. Much of it was sprinkled with scripture. The book was in part about Holton’s experiences as a young Ranger and how he came to be an elite soldier. It resonated deep with Ben. He read some of those quotes to me over the phone when he first picked up the book. I knew he was inspired, yet didn’t imagine he would write it all down.

I created a story in my mind about what I would find in Ben’s journal. I knew him well, so I had an expectation of what I would find. It would either be really explicit or really meaningful. Fortunately, I was wrong. How many times in my life have I had an expectation and been wrong? How many times in my life have I made up a story in my mind before I knew the truth? How many times have I allowed these stories to take up space in my head, alter my mood or steal precious sleep? More than I care to admit.

Stephen Benet’s quote speaks of the uncaring ways life is lost day by dragging day. The quote doesn’t point blame at anyone. It simply makes a statement. The way I see it, I can only point blame at myself if any day ends with me feeling like it was lost. Is it not up to me (and no one else) to make the best of the minutes of my sometimes dragging days? Too often, we rely on things outside of ourselves or other people to define the minutes of our days. Count me guilty.

Expectations. I have written about this before. It is not easy to live without them, because we don’t “expect” that those we love and who claim to love us will disappoint. This has honestly been one of the most hard knock lessons for me. When it happens, I take it personal and I try, unsuccessfully, to understand. What did I do to make this person treat me in a way I didn’t expect? Am I doing something wrong in the way I relate with people? What can I do to keep it from happening again?

Hint…. truth….. it’s not me. The answer in how to deal with situations such as these is to love myself more. As a recent situation came front and center and caused me to once again question my worth, I came across a drawing that one of my friends' daughters had colored for me. I instantly smiled when I saw it. I knew it’s timing was right on target. It was a full page heart colored in red, with the words “Love is You” written in the center. Touche! Amen! Yes, and right on! How I needed to be reminded and hear this. LOVE IS ME! I am love. Loving me IS the most important love I need to know.

"Love yourself first because that’s who you’ll be spending the rest of your life with." -Anonymous

In a sermon from (my favorite) Pastor Steven Furtick, he asks, “What if God didn’t want to meet your expectations? What if he wanted to do something so much better than your mind can comprehend? What if he didn’t want to meet your expectations because he wanted to exceed them? And how about this?! The way God grows our faith is to disappoint our expectations!
I think I heard a mic drop!

"If you don’t go within, you go without." - Yogi Bhajan (or Neale Donald Walsch)

Words synonymous with expectations are; assumption, calculation, prediction and hope. None of these are tangible. When I think of this, I can’t help but think that expectations are like having a net with a hole in it. There simply isn’t a guarantee it's going to work. It might, and it could, because in theory it is a net, but it’s not the whole net. In human terms, I also shouldn’t believe that a human isn’t going to disappoint. Why? Because we are humans and not perfect, period.

It’s really none of our business what anyone else thinks of us, however, what we tell ourselves about ourself is critical to our well-being. Go within, love yourself, it is the most important relationship we will have. Don't make others accountable for your well being. Don’t hold hostage in another's mouth what you need to say to yourself. Focusing on the negative has never done anything except cause disappointment. You give power to what you give attention to.

I do my best to stay focused on what matters most and being true to myself. The worst disappointment I have known is with myself. I am the only one who honestly knows what being true to me looks like. Despite knowing it’s essential to me as the sun, loving myself for who God created me to be has been a great challenge. Why? Expectations: some realistic, some completely pointless. I am a work in progress. A human with an ego and emotions; things that can and will interfere with a good choice.

As long as we live, we can count on humans to disappoint us. Read that again. I don’t care who it is, they have or will disappoint you, because of expectations. When I let go of expectations, I feel better. A sense of freedom comes and I simply feel lighter as I go about my day.

Looking back to Benet’s quote, I know that life has been lost in the thousand small, uncaring ways I have spoken to myself. Losing expectations helps me stay accountable for my thoughts, words and actions. It brings a sense of peace and contentment, knowing that loving myself first reaps rewards. Thank you me!