The Golden Buzzer

On the television show America’s Got Talent, contestants perform in front of celebrity judges each week with the hope of being chosen as the winner. Weekly winners then move on to a final competition where the grand prize is a whopping $1,000,000!

During the weekly performances, the judges have an option to press a “golden buzzer,” which automatically advances that contestant to the final show. When the golden buzzer is depressed, the crowd goes wild as tiny bits of gold confetti fall like rain from the rafters, covering the stage. The contestants’ family and friends jump for joy and rush out from backstage. The judge who just forever changed their life, joins in as tears of joy and hugs are exchanged.

I have never watched an entire episode of this show. Clips of the golden buzzer performances can be watched on YouTube. I like watching the compilations and feeling the exhilaration of emotions from the contestants. Their stories are shared in advance of them taking the stage, so you get to witness the personal triumphs that are often overcome to get there. Words of encouragement and affirmation are overheard from their loved ones, “I knew you could do it!”
“I am so proud of you.” One contestant had overcome an horrific trauma and belted out a beautiful song with a passion and authenticity that came direct from her soul. Knowing all she had experienced to get to this place in time, I cried with her and her mother as they held each other tight.

Watching that exchange made me realize that I have not hugged my son Ben for almost ten years. He was twenty-one when I last whispered how proud of him I was, held his hand and told him how much I love him. I do not get the privilege of encouraging him into adulthood. This thought made me wonder where my energy of affirmation and encouragement have been redirected since July of 2009?

Was Ben’s Heavenly transition my golden buzzer? I hardly won a contest by losing my only child, however, it was an event that completely altered the course I was on; one of those things where everything changes going forward and will never be the same. The golden buzzer is a life changing event. We’ve all had these, or will at some point. On AGT, it allows the contestant an advancement to a place others have to work harder or take longer to get to. It’s an advantage, no doubt. It’s also something they’ve earned. They believed in themselves and their God given talents enough to pursue their dreams. So did the judge that launched them into a new normal.

The singing contestant I referred to above survived a plane crash at the age of 16. She was one of only two survivors; 107 perished, 60 of them were her classmates. She received third degree burns on sixty five percent of her body and has undergone more than one hundred reconstructive surgeries. She said music soothed her during her excruciating recovery. When she sang she felt better. I cannot imagine the pain this now 28 year-old young woman overcomes every day. Not just physically, but emotionally. Did the golden buzzer take this away? Doubtful, yet it gave her pain a place to be redirected towards.

When I learned of Ben’s fate, I asked my mother what I was going to do with all the love I had for him. He was only 21, I had a lifetime of love left to give him. She told me I would figure it out. I have. I figured out that my love for Ben didn’t dissipate when he entered the gates of Heaven, it just needed redirection. Upon Ben’s death, I gained one hundred more sons (roughly), a handful of pseudo daughters, grandchildren and got involved with nonprofits that support our veterans. The men that served with Ben as Army Rangers informed me that they were now my family and would be there for me until the day I join Ben. They are now the receivers of my affirmation and encouragement. Knowing loss at the depth that I do helps me direct my love and appreciate the reciprocation of it so much more. When I give to these men, women and their families, I do so in honor of Ben, because he lived.

Fortune favors the bold, so they say. You have to be bold to face a national television audience and allow yourself to be judged based on what you believe is your personal talent. You have to be bold to face adversity head on and use it to find or expand your personal gifts. The fortune comes from taking those gifts and helping or showing others how you can use your adversities to climb higher in life. The golden buzzer advances our character. The AGT contestants each have a story. It is often about overcoming something, a strong desire to prove themselves or simply showing the world how to make lemonade out of lemons.

I can make a long list of the blessings that have been added to my life because Ben lived. They are in the people I have met, the places I have been and the character I now possess that enables me to give direction to my pain and loss. I will never know how my life would have turned out if Ben was still here. I can’t go back and change that golden buzzer, but I can start from the beginning of today, keep climbing and make a new ending with what I have become.

What I have become is more than I could have imagined. Ben’s unexpected transition is not an advantage by what most would consider, however, it depends on how you look at it. The sadness of being without his physical presence goes without saying, yet, because he lived, I have an advantage of knowing how deep love can flow between the hearts of the family he gave me.