The Best Thing You Can’t Undo

This Sunday is Mother’s Day, even ten years after my Ben was called Home to God’s beautiful Heaven, it’s not the easiest holiday for me to get through. However, I still absolutely embrace its meaning and celebrate being a mother. Besides it being the day that is, it is also the last time I saw Ben alive and well. He snuck home for one last visit over Mother’s Day weekend in 2009 before he left for what would become his final deployment. He had been home for three weeks over Easter, but this short three-day visit would be reserved for those most special to him.

Mom,

I can’t thank you enough for everything you have done for me over the years, especially the last 3 since I’ve been in the Army. You have stood behind me through every decision I have made and supported me since day 1.

You always let me be who I wanted to be and never judged me for it like most other people would. I know we sometimes disagree but know that sometimes I’m just a punk 21 year old with not enough freedom and a mad at the world type attitude, so you know I don’t mean the shit I say and do.
You are probably the best mom a guy could ask for and I love you to death for being the mom that you are. Have a great Mother’s Day!

Love, Ben

P.S. The world needs more moms like you!!

This is what Ben wrote to me in the last Mother’s Day card I would receive from him. He  chose a card with a short simple message and poured his heart out in his own writing. In years past, the cards he chose were lengthy in sweet verse and included his signature, “Love, Ben”.

This one was not like any he had me given before. I can’t help think that somehow he knew it was the last opportunity he would have to tell me how he felt. He had shared things with me in conversation, but this was something I got to keep. This is something I treasure still - ten years later.

I am pretty sure Ben’s chain of command didn’t know he was in Minnesota that weekend. I am also pretty sure he didn’t care. Something in him told him to go home at this eleventh hour before leaving for Afghanistan, to tell his mother how much she meant to him. It was important enough to him that it was worth risking the trouble he might get in. He also wanted to surprise my mother and meet her for breakfast. He is the photographer behind our smiling faces that day before Mother’s Day. That was Ben. He made us smile. It was his way.

When I dropped him at the airport, I would always watch him walk away through the glass doors and windows of the terminal. I would stand there until I couldn’t see him anymore.  

This time, the day after Mother’s Day, once he passed through the doors, he disappeared. There was a glare that made it so I couldn’t see him. It was a bit haunting and would come to be even more so two months later. It was the last time I would see him walk. Four days later he was in Afghanistan.

I feel incredibly fortunate that Ben gifted that card to me. It touched me to the core. I believe it was a message from the deepest part of who he was and defines the legacy he left for all who love him. As a mother, it was a sentiment I only hoped he would one day share with me. It was a testament as a mother I only dreamed he would tell me. Knowing he saw me in that light only solidified my commitment to spending the rest of my life honoring his.

You know how new parents look into the window and look at their children at the maternity center and share with other parents the excitement? What if our Angels are gathering around looking down at us, showing us off for being so strong and saying, “My mom’s awesome, which one is yours?”

I have done my best to be strong and to make Ben smile down on who I have become without him here. It’s not always easy. I know many mothers who walk this journey, many who have lost a child, but few, like me, whose only child, was called Home first. To Sue, Patti, Kim, Gale, Helen and others, my heart will always hold a special space for us.

Happy Mother’s Day to ALL the mom’s whose children are in Heaven. We are still their mothers. Celebrate the time we were gifted to have them with us on earth. Nothing can take that away. Nothing.

“Being a mom is the best thing you can’t undo”. -Unknown