#TBT-I Just Want To Be By You!

I was able to be a stay-at-home mom until my son Ben was four years old. The first job I took when I went back to work was cleaning houses. I loved the physical activity, but when I got home, I was exhausted. After picking Ben up from daycare, I would give him a snack, sit on the couch and let him watch cartoons before dinner. I took advantage of him being occupied and would often sit back and close my eyes for a few minutes. One day he was bouncing back and forth from one end of the couch to the other using me as a landing pad. I asked him to please sit down and stop jumping. He plopped right next to me, about as close as he could without actually being on my lap. I got a little irritated and asked him to move over. He looked up at me with his innocent baby blues and sweetly proclaimed, “But Mommy, I just want to be by you!” My heart melted as I pulled him onto my lap and squeezed him tight. I felt guilty for the way I reacted. I selfishly thought he was intentionally bugging me.

I have thought about and shared that story a lot. It is the epitome of innocence and reminded me that little child truly just wanted to be by me. He had no idea how tired I was. He was simply seeking the comfort of my presence. The moment I realized this, my reaction changed and I remembered it in future situations. In fact, I still think of it today when I encounter situations that might evoke a reaction that lacks compassion or is less than kind. Yes, this can happen with adults too, not just small, completely innocent children. Am I saying that adults are innocent? Absolutely. If you look up the word innocence you will find inexperience, without knowledge and blamelessness as some of it’s definitions. Until we have knowledge or experience, even as adults, aren’t we (a little bit) innocent? Let me make a disclaimer, I am not referring to moral infractions, I am speaking of life experiences most can relate to. What I’m getting at is, we are all better equipped to understand a situation if we have experienced it. This is how we can have conversations with people. This is the place where we find common ground or the place where we share our knowledge and remember that once upon a time, we didn’t know either.

In my grief journey, people have said things to me that may be considered insensitive. Early on, I may have thought something less than kind, however, it didn’t take me long to realize the people making such remarks were innocent in that they had not experienced what I have. When life delivers adversity, people want to connect with your pain. They want to find a way to let you know they understand and offer their empathy or sympathy. Sometimes it comes out sideways. The death of a dog is not the same as losing a child. That comparison has happened more often than I care to share. Don’t beat me up on this, I am a dog lover, I know our four-legged friends are part of our families, BUT, they can be replaced, and often are not long after they leave us.

At an event not long ago, I was introduced to a Vietnam veteran as a Gold Star Mother. He shook my hand and offered me his congratulations. I quietly told him it wasn’t really something to congratulate me for. He put his arm around me and said, “I’m very sorry, Ma’am. I honestly didn’t know what to say and that’s just what came out of my mouth.” I told him it was okay. I saw his innocence. He thanked me, gave me a hug and we went on to have a pleasant conversation.

We have tendency to think people are being jerks when seemingly insensitive comments are made. I think of times likes these as opportunities to educate and/or raise awareness about the given topic and draw them in deeper. These are teachable moments. I believe that people are inherently good and have good intentions. What we are feeling on the inside is very often not visible on the outside. I have put on a happy face many times and kept hidden that on the inside I was crumbling. I know I am not alone in this, and have learned to recognize that everyone is fighting some kind of a battle or simply lacks understanding. I don’t wish for everyone I meet to understand everything about me. No way. Our uniqueness comes from our experiences and how we choose to use them in our interpersonal relationships.

I think we owe it to our fellow humans to reach back or reach out when our knowledge exceeds theirs, when our wisdom outweighs theirs. I want to be a teacher, not a judge. I think it’s our job to reach back to those who are consumed by the flames we have already walked through and help them find the way out. Invite them to be by you, to find comfort in your presence - because you see their innocence.

“We're all just walking each other home.” - Ram Dass