My mother recently sent me some letters and pictures she retrieved from my grandmother’s belongings after she died at (a beautifully lived) 95 years, three years ago. There were printed emails I had sent as updates when my son Ben was in the Army. There was a letter Ben wrote to my grandmother, his beloved great grandmother, and a couple pictures from his high school graduation party. I got teary-eyed seeing his handwriting and hearing his voice in my head as I read his heartfelt and thoughtful words to her.
One of the emails was dated March 2008, nearly eleven years ago. It was to “friends and family” regarding the latest “Ben Kopp update”. He had recently returned from his first deployment to Iraq and had just started Ranger school one week before my update. I was struck by a paragraph I wrote near the end:
One question I seem to hear the most is asking how I can not worry all of the time about Ben. My answer is always the same. I don’t worry because I am faithful. I have faith that God is taking care of Ben and of me. I try really hard (and some days are easier than others) to focus my energy on being grateful in each moment. Grateful for Ben and the honor he has given me to wear with pride my “Army Mom” sweatshirt. I know that no matter how much you/we love someone it does not prolong their life. We are not in control of how long our loved ones will live. I like to go to sleep each night knowing that I have been a good mom to Ben and loved him the best I knew how. And I know that he goes to sleep each night knowing that he is loved and will continue to be loved. This is my focus and a gift that can’t be taken from me.
Exactly one year before in another email update, I closed with this:
While I have shared the story of one young man (Ben), please remember all of our men and women who are serving around the world for benefit of our beautiful America. Whether or not we believe in the cause, they are making sacrifices for us and need our love, support and prayers.
The thing about both of these writings is that I could have easily written them today. I had to stop and ponder where I was all those years ago and where I stood now as I re-read my words. I could write a 500 page novel on what has changed in my life in the years that have passed. My eyes teared up and my heart swelled holding proof in my own hands that my faith hadn’t changed. (Well, that’s not entirely true, it has become considerably stronger). A deep sense of gratitude came over me in knowing my foundation has remained the same and is exactly what has allowed me to get from there to here - eleven years later.
“We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day.”
- Richard G. Scott
Being consistent is definitely a good thing to be, yet isn’t a trait I would have listed as one of my top five. However, having these two letters as proof that I have been consistent, especially in something as important to me as my faith, it may get moved up the list.
I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the traits that best define me, but I do make a conscious effort to continually become the best version of myself I am capable of. Being a woman of faith is a must in the traits I see in that best version of me. Without my faith, I would live in a state of dejected gloom. Without my faith, I would be lost. Without my faith, I couldn’t be an example for others.
Consistent is defined as unchanging in achievement or effect over a period of time, not containing any logical contradictions. Words that are synonymous include constant, regular, uniform, steady, stable, undeviating, unfluctuating; dependable, reliable. ALL are formidable traits, worthy of possessing.
“It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives. It’s what we do consistently.”
-Tony Robbins
When I wrote those updates about Ben, I never thought for one second that he wouldn’t come home. I have never doubted that I wasn’t a good mom or that God wouldn’t take care of Ben and me. Nine years after his death, God is still doing this. Ben in Heaven with Him and me still here on earth. I know that Ben died knowing without a shadow of doubt how much he was (and still is) loved. These things have never been lost. And they won’t be. They are consistent pieces of what it means for me to remain faithful despite Ben’s death.
“If you are persistent you will get it. If you are consistent you will keep it.” -Unknown
Faith isn’t something we “get”. I have kept mine because I have been consistent in the practice of keeping it and sharing it and being it. To be that best version of me requires seeing the light in all things. It requires a knowing and trusting that my character has been built through my trials. Ben was issued a small bible as Ranger. It was obvious he had read some of it, but he had only marked one verse: James 1:12: “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him”. Ben received that crown because of what he consistently became. I know I will too, for the same reason.
Faithfully, I can make the exact same statement from that second email update above. Please re-read it. Thank you.
Consistency can be tough sometimes in the face of trauma…thanks Jill. Keep going!
So well stated Jill.
Mary