From Deprivation to Cultivation

A few weeks ago I was looking through some personal items and came across a picture a friend’s daughter colored for me. With the exception of a slight blue border, the entire page is colored red in the shape of a heart with the words LOVE IS YOU gracing the center. When I found it I let out a deep sigh and wanted to hug the child who made it. Realistically, the child needing a hug is me, the one who has a hard time loving herself.

This past year has been a challenging one. Seems to be a common theme in recent conversations I’ve had. I am more than ready to say goodbye to 2019 and welcome 365 blank pages to fill in. As an added bonus, 2020 is a leap year, so we all get an extra day! (This just got me thinking that I should think of something special to do with that extra day).

The word cultivate has come up more than once for me in the last few days. It’s not a word I hear often. When this happens with other words, I believe their meaning is something I should pay attention to. To cultivate means to apply oneself to improving or developing (one's mind or manners). Cultivation is the process of trying to acquire or develop a quality or skill. Hmm? There it is! Improving and developing the love I have for myself is the message I received from this.

Cultivation is often associated with the growing of crops or plants; making the soil just right for planting seeds that will yield a healthy result. This can certainly be applied to myself. Why would I not be planting myself in an environment that will yield healthy results? The answer is simple, right? If I loved myself more unconditionally, this shouldn’t be a difficult task. The trouble is, like most of us, I am my own worst enemy. The chatter that goes on in my head could be less judgemental and more loving.

Going through difficult times is not unique. These are the things that create my character and better prepare me for what’s around the bend. A planted seed is a good analogy of this. It gets buried in the dark and emerges anew some time later, having grown into a better version of what was planted. Understanding and accepting this will make the difficulties more tolerable and the rewards of being better prepared greater. You reap what you sow. Trusting the process will make the fruit sweeter.

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anais Nin

I have asked myself why I don’t love me more? Why am I so conditional to myself? The hard truth is that I have placed too much value on what others think of me. This has been a painful lesson. It has often come in the form of broken trust and expectations. Being treated poorly by someone does not make me a bad person. Hurting people hurt people. This is where I have come to rest. If someone hurts me, blaming myself does nothing to encourage self-love. I have to let it go and trust that greater things are to come because of it.

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. - Mahatma Ghandi

Easier said than done, Ghandi, but completely necessary. Don’t let anyone steal your joy. True happiness can only come from within ourselves. Reliance on others feelings towards me as a means to happiness has only caused disappointment. I should be loving myself for who I am, in my own eyes and in God’s eyes. Humans are going to let us down, guaranteed. We are wired to do so because we have feelings and egos that cloud our judgement. It can’t be helped. Being free of these two things will only happen when we return to the Heavenly realm and return to being made solely (soul-ly) of perfect love.

When I lose focus of who I am and rely on outside sources to make me feel good, I am depleting the richness of the soil I should be cultivating for self-love. In my latest disappointments, I am reminded to come back to me. I am reminded that the greatest relationship I can have is with the person whose voice speaks to my heart; God’s. His is the only unconditional voice that is constant. When I listen to Him, He will tell me that I am worthy of being loved. He will tell me that I am beautiful. He will tell me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. He will love me no matter what, day after day after day.

You demonstrate love by giving it unconditionally to yourself. And as you do, you attract others into your life who are able to love you without conditions. - Paul Ferrini

I have spoke about unconditional love in the past. I said that dogs and babies are the only earthly creatures who will love us this way. Babies outgrow it, dogs don’t. There isn’t a reason I should outgrow loving myself the same. Maybe if I saw myself not just as God does, but in the same way the dogs that love me do, too. (What if we all loved each other like this? Just sayin’).

Life will never be without challenges, the humans are going to present them again and again. Some will feel like a brick between the eyes and leave a mark. I am not going to allow this to make me blind to the most reliable love I have, my own. Cultivating self love and owning my happiness is a choice. I have begun to forgive myself for not being more aware of this. I am a work in progress. I am planting my seeds in self-care. I am taking a class at church to grow my relationship with God, I am taking a yoga class to grow my physical and mental strength. I am attending a retreat in a couple weeks to cultivate healing and growth. I am hugging the child inside myself that needs love. Love IS me. I AM love.