Find Common Ground & Connect

In the animal world, there are few greater examples of what protection looks like than getting between a mama bear and her cubs. Do this and you will find yourself facing imminent danger and possibly death. Their well being is her responsibility. She will fiercely fight any thing/one who attempts to hurt what she loves. Should something happen to her, her cubs would have to fend for themselves, however, if they were in captivity, a replacement would be found. A human or another bear would be called on to nurture the cubs until they were able to fend for themselves or find their own way. This would be a stand in, someone who understood what the cubs future needs were. The cubs would learn to accept this replacement and, in fact, welcome it, for knowing those needs.

Many years ago I was let go from a job. My boss was actually kind about it. When he told me he no longer needed me, he also told me I had a quality he admired. In the time I worked there, he noticed that I treated the man who came in weekly to service our coffee machine in exactly the same manner as his million dollar insurance sales associate. He said that treating all people the same was an admirable trait and one worthy of holding on to. Twenty some years later, I still do this. I don’t know how not to. It’s how I was raised and I haven’t forgotten that wisdom he gifted me.

It is said there are six degrees of separation between two people. In my life, there tends to be only two. This means I find myself having a conversation with someone and find a connection to another person or an experience we’ve both had. It’s something that no longer surprises me when it happens. Maybe it’s this way because of the number of people I have met over the last eight years? Or maybe it’s because of the number of conversations I’ve had with people over the last eight years? You certainly can’t learn anything about someone unless you are willing to listen. This is where the connections are born. I believe we have much more in common with most people than we’d care to believe, but the only way we can know this is by sharing our thoughts and experiences.

When adversity shows up in our lives, we lose connections. Whether it be a job, a divorce or the loss of a loved one, the people we were once connected to change. I found myself in circles of people I never imagined I would, and over time having more connections with them than with those of my “former” life. I have discovered that the things that have caused us pain are truly the things that bond us. It’s where we find common ground. It’s where we find our new community. A community of people who “get” us and what we’ve gone through. They have become my people. People who come from all walks of life, from all over the country. As much as we have common bonds, we also live very different lives. We also are not in the same place on the journey of our adversities, yet we never forget where we came from. Not forgetting makes us able to connect to those who have yet to walk in our shoes and share an understanding of what lies ahead.

This realization doesn’t come the minute adversity knocks. It happens over time and the more time passes, the easier it becomes to identify connections. We become better equipped to help. A friend of mine shared this thought the other day, “Accepting what has happened to me and being grateful that it has provided a higher path for me to walk on. Because of what I thought, then, was an atrocity happening to me, has allowed me to serve others at a much broader level, while providing for my daughter in much greater ways, not just “financially”. Amen, brother.

People often ask me if I know someone who can do this or that or is in this industry or that business? They tell me they think I know everybody and come to me to looking for a connection. There’s no question I know a lot of people, but I also know a lot about those people. I know their stories because I have taken the time in conversation to find what connects us and thus what may connect them to someone else. I don’t match a million dollar insurance salesman with a coffee sales maintenance guy. I connect two humans that have shared similar life experiences. I don’t need to ask what they do for a living. The connection is in what they have done in life or, rather, what life might have done to them.

The author Pema Chodron stated, “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”

The mama bear will fiercely fight to not lose the connection between herself and the ones she loves most. They need each other to have that sense of community, of family. If the standard is broken, someone or something must step in or stand in. A successful transition will come through a connection from one who walks with a compassion and a desire to serve others in greater ways for having an understanding of being on the other side.

Take the time to talk to people. Listen to them, get to know them. Find common ground. We all have it, I promise. When you make this a regular practice, you will see the degrees of separation become less and less with each person you meet.